But for the Grace of God
by samanddianefan10
Summary: The end of the war, but the battle rages on in the mind of a very beloved doctor. AU version of GFA with more than a few twists and turns!


He could hear the words Hawkeye was speaking, but was quite unclear about what it all meant.

A bus. A chicken. Buses, trains, planes. So many random words that were not really connected, but in his mind, they clearly were.

It was as if the waves in his brain were scrambled somehow, and trying to put together an egg after it is scrambled would be quite a feat for anyone.

Sidney watched in silence as Hawkeye went on and on.

Of course, Sidney knew that it was Hawkeye speaking. He was his friend, after all.

But the agitation, the frustration, the sheer exhaustion...it was very, very tiring for his mind to process.

All this patient wanted, Sidney knew, was a good night's sleep, and to go home.

Home. A home which seemed had never even existed, that's how long they'd all been away from their families.

All this patient wanted, rightfully so, was to go as far away from Korea, the remnants of the war as humanly possible.

(Truth be told, it seemed as if this battle, both the physical and now the mental, would never, ever end.)

Each day seemed a battle all in and of itself.

Dying. Blood. Shrapnel where a young man's septum should be, leaving breathing difficult for the injured man, not to mention the sheer terror of living a life with one's nose blown pretty much clear off.

Men, not able to walk. Or the lucky ones, whose arms and legs were in tact, but had sustained spinal injuries,(or even psychological factors) leaving them permanently impotent, unable to ever be able to make love to their wives again.

This place was just too, too much for any person to be able to process, let alone leave with their sanity intact.

So as Sidney watched his friend ramble on, about stuff, behind the mask of a hand of playing cards, it was actually hard for Sidney to keep his friendship with Hawkeye in perspective along with all of the traits that Sidney admired about his friend, the skilled surgeon.

War was hell, it had been said. In this case, it more of a purgatory...every day, waiting, wondering if he would ever go home, ever see his family again, ever set foot on the comfortable and welcoming soil that was America.

War is hell.

And then some.

At least in hell, he supposed, if you'd been sentenced there, one would at least have an idea of what he'd done wrong, what had sentenced -im to an eternity of pain, suffering, tormenting cries and nightmares.

But for this beloved member of the United States Army...a loyal man, a compassionate man, an intelligent man with a unique sense of humor...maybe he was flawed in his own ways...what had he done, exactly, and whom had he pissed off to be stuck in the Korean War?

The more talk of the war ending, the more it just tortured this doctor. Would it be today, tomorrow, the next week that peace would be declared...even then, it would be anything but peace for those left behind, those whom had survived this living nightmare.

A truce, perhaps, but it would surely bring anything but peace. A truce is a concession, where peace, at least in this physician's mind, meant that there would be no one looking at his own missing leg, no grieving widows left behind, no orphaned children wondering fruitlessly if this would be the day their mommy and daddy would come to them, to hold them again, to keep them safe and loved.

The words from Hawkeye's mouth...they were his, but not his at the same time. Sidney didn't say much; he uttered a few words here and there, most often simply repeating the phrases he'd heard from Hawkeye seconds before in hopes of understanding what Hawkeye was trying to convey to him.

The more Hawkeye spoke, the less of a friend Sidney saw. The body certainly was that of Hawkeye Pierce, but the words, the pointless and endless rambling...it was hard even for the brilliant Sidney Freedman to process what Hawkeye was intending to say.

"Sidney?" Hawkeye spoke up, tossing his cards behind him, where "Teddy Roosevelt" (or at least Roosevelt that day, by evening that patient behind him would very likely claim yet another persona) grabbed the cards and wandered off with them, as if they were manna from heaven.

Heaven. Was there any such place?

"Hmm..." the noted and award winning psychiatrist nodded, clearly not focusing on the conversational party in front of him.

"Sidney, damn it...why won't you talk to me? Why do you just sit there and stare at me like I'm...what, Sidney, have I upset you? Have I disappointed you, frustrated you, what...Just talk to me, Sidney. I'm your friend, damn it...I'm here. It's me. It's me." Hawkeye shouted in frustration.

Still, Sidney said nothing. His eyes were certainly focused on Hawkeye, but what was going through Sidney's head at the moment, Hawkeye had no clue.

"Doctor...I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's time for his medication. I think he might be tired now, so we're going to take him back to his room for a little rest. You may return tomorrow, if you like."

And so the doctor stood up, looking at his patient, his friend, his comrade, someone whom together, they'd been through some terribly, awful darkened days.

"I'll be back tomorrow. Take..take care of yourself, will you?"

And with that, Hawkeye Pierce walked away from Sidney, wondering what in the world could have caused such a brilliant mind to take leave and abandon his owner.

Sidney...As Hawkeye started the jeep he'd had waiting for him outside, ready to report back to Colonel Potter and his friends from the 4077, it suddenly occurred to Hawkeye that even Colonel Potter didn't quite know everything about the incident...How on earth was Hawkeye Pierce supposed to inform his colleagues and makeshift family and friends that one of them, their beloved, beloved psychiatrist, one whom they'd all confided in their deep dark secrets, their fears, their hurts, their few and far between victories, their numerous losses...Sidney Freedman, had lost his cotton- picking mind.

For the next few weeks, no one spoke of Sidney Freedman. No one even dared utter his name.

Hawkeye tried to get them to talk about it, and each time the subject was either quickly changed, or, more often, an uneasy quiet filled the room.

No one wanted to think the implications of what Sidney's breakdown meant. If Sidney, a very intelligent, knowledgeable, compassionate shrink could turn crazy...who was to say that the rest of them couldn't?

Even BJ, after his aborted return back home, did not want to talk to Hawkeye about their colleague. Perhaps he was too angry about not getting back to see Peg and Erin, or, more than likely, Hawkeye surmised...BJ had now lost his most endearing trait, the one that had united him as a lifelong best friend to Hawkeye...hope for humanity.

Even with the end of this war, there would be no peace for those who served and lived it. Certainly not for Sidney Freedman.

Colonel Potter, however, Hawkeye noted, was starting to break out his bottle of hard, hard liquor on a more frequent basis.

No one spoke of Sidney Freedman, and that was a crime, in Hawkeye's eyes. This man, whom offered hope, compassion, a listening ear, was now alone in his crazed state of mind, with only Hawkeye as his sole visitor, his sole sign of support.

That was a pretty big role for anyone to fit. But Hawkeye tried. He certainly tried.

And then the war was over.

One day, not much different than the day's they'd long been accustomed to, the unexpected and so far away from their reach, miracle occurred. The war was over. They would be going home.

Hawkeye had been visiting Sidney when the news broke. The physical war was over, but the wars raging in the battlefield of Sidney's mind was still playing out, every bit as strong as the moment it occurred.

And Hawkeye knew exactly what he had to do.

On their final evening together, when everyone was drinking and telling stories of their plans for what they'd do when they returned, it was Hawkeye's plans which threw them all for the biggest loop of all.

Hawkeye stood up, and the glasses stopped clinking, people stopped laughing, barely a whisper could be heard. Hawkeye, the self- avowed fighter for freedom, the man whom most often and most audibly spoke of his home...

Hawkeye Pierce announced that he was not leaving Korea that day. Nor the next. Nor the day after that.

Everyone stared at each other in shock.

Finally Klinger was the man whom dared to speak up. "Why, Hawkeye? Why you? You all know me, you know how much I wanted to go home...how much I still do...maybe even more...if that makes sense. I don't know..I don't know what I'm trying to say..."

Hawkeye turned to Klinger. "Why did you marry Soon-Li?"

Klinger didn't even hesitate as he broke into a tired grin.

"Because I love her, Sir."

"And why do you want to bring her and her family to Toledo with you...and by the way, congratulations on finding her family. I'm sorry I was unable to help you with your search...I was off visiting our friend Sidney."

Klinger looked down, ashamed of how he'd been so caught up in helping his wife that he'd been unable to talk to Sidney.

" I love her, Hawkeye. I want her to be happy. She'd be happy in Toledo."

Hawkeye smiled, took a deep breath, and continued. "This is hard for me to say...you all know I love the ladies..."

A chorus of 'say it ain't so..." could be heard from the crowd, and even Hawkeye smiled.

"Yes, yes, the rumors are true. I love the ladies, but you know what I've come to learn...Love isn't just what we feel for our wives, or girlfriends. We love our families. And isn't that what we've all become here? A family?"

Colonel Potter took a drink, the emotions clearly start to affect him.

"I...I'm going to go ahead and say this. What we're not supposed to say. I love Sidney. As a friend, as a leader, as a colleague, but more importantly as a friend. Whom here hasn't he helped, whose life he hasn't touched in some small way? Wasn't Sidney the one whom came to camp the day we all learned of Henry?"

Not a word was spoken.

Hawkeye was clearly getting pretty emotional, and took a deep breath to steady his composure.

"I love you all, I couldn't love you any more if you were my blood brothers and sisters...but this war has taken too much from us. From the world. Wives back home whom will never get to kiss their husbands, children whom will never know their fathers...soldiers returning from this place with a limb or two less than what they came here with...This war has taken so much from the world. I will be damned if it takes the mind of the most brilliant doctor I've ever known in my life. That my friends, would be every bit as much a travesty and a tragedy as if he were to have been...to have been...to..."

Everyone looked on as a clearly exhausted Hawkeye Pierce sat down, as depressed as any of them could remember seeing him.

Colonel Potter sat down his glass, walked and stood in front of Hawkeye. "Sit, son." he ordered as Hawkeye, out of respect, tried to stand.

Hawkeye looked up, and all eyes were on them. Colonel Sherman T. Potter, a man among men by all counts... slowly raised his hand, brought it to a firm and long salute, and nodded his head at the young man sitting in front of him.

"Hawkeye," Potter's voice, wary, began to creak as he spoke up. "You of all people here always claimed to hate the army, to hate what we represent. Right or wrong...many could argue both sides of that logic. I'm not here to argue, son. Not now. I'm here to tell you...You've made the army proud, your country proud...most of all, you've made me very, very, very proud. I can't profess to speak for your father, but for what it's worth...I love you, son."

The ladies were now in tears, along with more than just a few of the men sitting with them.

Colonel Potter released his salute, raised his head, and sharply turned his back, retreating to his tent for his last night in Korea.

One by one, as each member stood to leave, they gathered in line, each one saluting a sunken-in-his seat Hawkeye.

The last one, of course, was BJ. But that salute turned to a handshake, and then to a hug.

Hawkeye never ever wanted to think of life without BJ in it on a daily basis...and at that moment, that sentiment was compounded a million times over.

"Hawkeye...you'd know I'd stay..." BJ choked up.

Hawkeye brushed him off. "You have Peg and Erin. Go home to your family."

"Hawkeye...you going to be okay?"

Hawkeye sighed but declared that he would be. "Go on, Beej. Your family's waiting on you. I'll be fine."

"I feel like I should..."

"You don't owe me a thing. You owe it to yourself to stop worrying about me, to think of Peg and that beautiful little girl of yours. Go, get a good night's sleep. I..I think I'm going to have one more drink."

And so for the rest of that night, Hawkeye drank himself into oblivion. A wonderful feeling, at that point.

Later the next day, after everyone had said their farewells...Hawkeye was alone in his thoughts at Rosie's bar. What he would do next...he knew what he had to do, but it was still very, very difficult, albeit it being the right thing to do.

What happened next, Hawkeye couldn't have foreseen.

"Can I buy you a drink, stranger?"

Hawkeye looked up and was stunned beyond belief to see BJ Hunnicut sitting in front of him at his table. "Beej? Rosie, just how many drinks have I had today?"

A knowing Rosie smiled and sat a couple of drinks in front of them. "These are on the house."

"Why, Beej...you have Erin, you have Peg...you have a life, damn it!"

BJ didn't even hesitate. "And you have me. We've said we'd see this war through together...Peg will understand. I just can't imagine leaving you..."

"Beej, you know I'm seldom at a loss for words..." a very emotional Hawkeye started, but couldn't find the words nor the strength to finish.

"You don't have to thank me. I'm your brother, and you're mine. We're family...that's what we do." BJ smiled.

Then BJ took the beer bottles that had lined their table, and lined them up, dividing the table by half.

"Now how about a friendly game of disposable glove volleyball, for old times' sake?" BJ grinned as he started to blow into the open end of the glove.

Hawkeye began to smile, then to crackle, then it turned into a full fledged laughter fest for the both of them.

"Where have you been all my life?" Hawkeye grinned, a renewal of his hope in humanity ignited in him.

"Watch it, mister. I'm not that kind of man, I'll have you know." BJ flashed his million watt grin, and the two of them laughed and drank into the wee hours of early morning.

The next day they'd go to Sidney, and then the next, and then the next if that's what it took to bring their friend back home safe and sound and of safe and sound mind.

But that night, they drank as if they hadn't a care in the world.

They had found lifelong friendships in each other, and that was the true miracle of a war in which they knew miracles never occurred.

Sidney, after a few weeks of BJ and Hawkeye visiting, talking to his doctors, reading, encouraging him, made enough progress where he was released to go home, which he did.

BJ went home to Peg and Erin, where BJ found his idea of heaven.

And Hawkeye Pierce, the self-avowed atheist...he certainly still did not claim to believe in a higher power.

But he believed in the power of friendship...and that, as much as anything else this life had to offer him could have, was just about as close to his idea of heaven as one could get.

The end


End file.
